I Was Married & Divorced By 25. Here's What I Learned About Love

I could start this out by telling you about the importance of conscious communication and other relationship tools that you might read about in books on love and relationships.

But I am not going to. The biggest insight I gained from my divorce had nothing to do with relationships and everything to do with myself. Like any newly married couple, my ex-husband and I never thought our marriage would end in divorce. So when it did five years ago, everyone around us didn’t understand. And the scariest realization to date was that I definitely did not understand what was happening.

At 25, I couldn't believe how lost I was, especially considering how much of a life I felt like I had already experienced. Everything around me felt like a direct reflection of my inner world – hollow, empty, and broken. I found myself through introspective activities like writing, and reading. For the first time in my life, even at such a young age, I didn’t understand how I'd gotten to this moment.

In the face of that wake-up call, I became aware of all of the unconscious limitations I was imposing on myself, and gained a greater awareness of how to navigate my mental-emotional map. And after traveling down every nook and cranny of my inner cosmos with a flame torch I can luckily say that I am grateful for those dark days.

Here are five crucial insights I learned about myself during the painful process of divorce.

1External follows internal -- not the other way around.

The external world is a direct reflection of your internal world. When you shift into this level of consciousness, everything in life will begin to educate you, I promise. I invite you to step into this place of empowerment, responsibility and freedom -- to recognize the power your thoughts have on shaping your experience.

If you walk around believing you are worthless, you will attract unhealthy relationships and experiences into your life. If you can empower yourself to believe in the power of your thoughts, you occupy a space in which you create life's masterpiece from within.

2. Looking for answers is a waste of time.

Nothing in the external world will fill the void and disconnection you feel deep within. The only true path to a space of peace and inner connectedness is to grab the torch and go through the mountain. Escaping from this sense of uneasiness and pain will only bring you more of it.

When you focus on your thoughts, feelings, and emotions in the present moment you start to unravel and unlearn all of the limiting beliefs and rules that hold us back from connecting on these deeper levels with our true self.

3. Self-love may be a cliché, but it's a cliché for a reason.

For eons we have been told that loving yourself and taking care of yourself is selfish. I think this belief single-handedly keeps us from remembering that all of the love we seek in the outside world starts from the inside.

Of course (and in the wellness world especially), self-love has become a bit of a cliché term. But it exists for a reason. It works. When you become whole, integrated, and present you become a light unto yourself. In this space of aloneness -- but not loneliness -- you don’t need anything from the external world.

This love is not the possessive, dependent and fear-based “love” we see day to day in our relationships. This love is a state of being,where love flows through you.

4. Awareness is the scariest part, but also the most necessary.

Repressed emotions and identification with mental-emotional patterns lead us to stagnation in thoughts, causing walls to the flow of life. Without a proper system in place to release these emotional charges our emotional and psychological pain will eventually manifest in the physical body.

Awareness allows us to exit out of denial and into a reflective state, opening space to shift the behavior in the moment and integrate the lessons on the way to become a more whole, happy and vibrant being.

5. Not only do you have to know yourself, but you have to be that person, too.

Before you can truly move into a wholly conscious and aligned connection with someone you must know yourself, be yourself, and love yourself. I find the biggest problem is without the tools to look within we spend our whole lives projecting our inner worlds onto others, trying to figure out the Other.

Be still, go within and remember underneath it all, you are all that is good, true and beautiful. When you know yourself you can be yourself, and ultimately love yourself. And when you reach that space, you will realize that you are a part of the ocean of Oneness that is ineffable.

Written by Kylie for MindBodyGreen

Are You Moving for You or Them?

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Day 8: Movement is Life 🙏

What is your narrative around moving your body? Is it something on your to-do list, or something you enjoy?

What motivates you to move? This is such a great question to explore in our relationship to our bodies. For me, fear used to be the main motivator. If I didn’t work out, I would look “thick” and I wouldn’t be accepted. When this is the narrative that operates the decision-making around working out, there is no space for connection to the body & what it truly needs to feel good. What if you softened, and trusted your body?

One of the best ways to incorporate more movement into your life is to mix it up, try new activities, and move in a way that you enjoy. We're all different. We all like to move in different ways. Some of us love spin, and others hiking.

When it comes to your wellbeing, movement is a pillar. When we move it releases endorphins - feel good hormones - and it helps us move stagnant emotional energy. When you are feeling tense, let it be a reminder to move. To release. To let loose.

Grab a friend, take a walk. I promise you will feel better when you move forward. What is your fav. way to move? I'm loving @tracyandersonmethod + long walks outside as of late.

Another way to get motivated, is to invest in yourself - grab a new workout outfit that makes you feel good in your body. Get some new shoes, that inspire you to get outside.

If you’re looking for a great site with the best workout gear, check out Carbon 38. You can use my Carbon 38 Code for 20% here. Code: KYLIEMCB50 

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Is Your Relationship to Food Keeping You Stuck?

Photo by  Brooke Lark  on  Unsplash

Photo by Brooke Lark on Unsplash

Day 5: Self-Acceptance + Body Confidence 🌻

I don't talk about my journey with food + exercise + body image a lot - probably because I have been so consumed by the relationship mojo + research that I blurred out the rest.

My relationship to my body - to food - and to exercise has been one heck of a journey in and of itself. I've gone from intense calorie restriction (and rock bottom bathroom moments) to working out for hours at a time as a punishment for eating....

If you know me -- you know that my intention is always to expand the context in which we explore any topic - including the relationship to food + our body image.

I've been reading a lot about how our relationship to FOOD and our body is intertwined with the mother wound + patriarchy + female identity. And, as I continue my own healing journey -- my relationship to everything is getting clearer as I start to peel back yet another subtle layer.

I will be sharing a lot more about this topic in the coming months. If you are ready to dive into this convo go check out my Mother Wound Podcast @zurahealth. It's a great place to start.

When I started to step into my power, reclaim my voice, and work through the layers of shame & repressed emotion I carried -- food and I became friends again. I realized that my safety isn't outside of me in the number on the scale. That I AM HERE. And READY to take up SPACE as a confident woman.

Connected. Satiated. Nurtured.

Why Are You Angry & What To Do About It

🔥 Day 7: Reconnecting to Your Clean Anger (your inner fire) 🔥

I've said it once, and I will say it again. The emotion of anger isn't the problem, it's what we do with it that is the problem.

Last year, a HUGE chunk of my personal work was getting intimate with my own anger, rage, and frustration. And I gotta say, nothing has supported my nervous system quite like this work.

When we are connected to our own clean heart-centered anger we can protect ourselves from boundary violations. We can stand up for ourselves in ways we once couldn't. When we are connected to our clean anger, we begin to feel what it feels like to be SAFE in our own own skin. We can take up space, and use our voices in ways we were once told not to.

This topic is a part of the #31daysofwellbeing series, because we can't be well if we are denying one of the most important, informative, and vital & adaptive emotions we have - Anger.

Coming home to your emotions & your body is life-changing work. It is work that I feel honored to do with women in my life daily.

Your inner child feels safe when you safeguard her in the way she couldn't in the past. If you're looking for a place to start -- just start to acknowledge anger, frustration, or heat pop up in your body by saying, "A part of me is feeling frustrated. And I am saying hello to that" -- from here, get curious. Why? What's triggered? What boundary was crossed?

Your emotions are valid, anger and all.

Your Home is a Reflection of Your Subconscious Mind

Photo Credit: @Lunya

Photo Credit: @Lunya

🧡Day 6: Home + Environment 🧡

I was sitting in a Feng Shui workshop a couple of months ago, and the teacher said, “Your home is a reflection of your subconscious mind.” Now of course, me being the pattern geek that I am wanted to know all about how these two items - mind & home - were related.

I won’t go into all of the learnings and magic that is Feng Shei — but I highly recommend it!! Still mind blown from what I learned. 
I don’t base my “love” for a space based on what it looks like, but how it feels energetically, and somatically. You can feel spaces. And these spaces you call home, matter. They affect us. 
Now, why am I bringing this up? Well — because I want you to feel good in your home. When your body feels good, your nervous system can relax. When your nervous system can relax, creativity, inspiration, joy, connection and love can rise. 
I realize the inherent privilege in this topic, but I believe everyone is worthy of pockets of joy & feel good space in their homes. Start small, and pick a corner/area of your home that you can dedicate to you. Your chair, your favorite candle, rug, picture/quotes, notebook, and whatever else makes you feel good.

Dedicate 5-10 min a day in this curated space (your time for silence & connection). And if you’re really feeling inspired to get your home to a place that feels good, and flows with good energy — try out @mariekondo tidying up method. I’m giving it a go when I get home 🗝 
What major shifts have you made in your environment/home? How have they shifted how you feel? 

Why Stillness is Medicine for Your Soul

Photo by  Simon Migaj  on  Unsplash

Photo by Simon Migaj on Unsplash

👁️Day 4: Meditation + Stillness 👁️

Mindset work aka meeting your own mind is crucial on the journey home to your essential, authentic self.

**don't get me wrong, it can be confronting at first - keep at it, it's so worth it**

I didn't come out of the womb meditating. However, that would've been a good look for me. Instead I was the exact opposite - I was as avoidant as they come. For me, superficial stillness & playing it cool worked — until it crumbled underneath the truth that lied beneath. Maybe you have experienced something similar love.

After my divorce, I started to meditate daily. Wise move. When we can get more intimate with our own mind, instead of letting it run on autopilot -- we give ourselves more space to make empowered & conscious decisions. To me, that is the essence of wellbeing -- being able to become aware of more options & responses -- in each moment.

The more choices we have, the freer we are. Meditation - the gift of intentional presence - is the process of creating more space & distance from the conditioned loops in your mind so that you can choose new, empowered loops.

I am loving the @insighttimer app + courses for my daily meditation practice. 🙏

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Creating the Perfect Ritual for YOU

Photo by  Jakub Dziubak  on  Unsplash

Day 2 - Rituals Support Your Mental / Emotional Wellbeing ✨

We all have habits. Some of us have rituals. What's the difference?

Well, in my eyes the difference is in the presence and intention to which you show up to your daily activities. When we have structures in place -- aka rituals -- we create a container for our feminine essence to rise. Feelings. Play. Nurturing.

When we are going through emotionally turbulent times, rituals keep us stable. They anchor us to the familiar -- which can help support us through many of life's transitions.

Rituals also gives us momentum. No matter how small you start. 2 minutes of silence a day, to a morning cuppa of cacao, tea, lemon water, coffee, water.... just being fully present, and showing up for yourself is the GIFT.

Some morning rituals we love:

  • Journaling,

  • Meditating,

  • Hot Cacao Ceremony,

  • Sitting in Nature/Sunshine.

Some Evening Rituals we love:

  • Reading,

  • Diffusing lavender,

  • Writing down 3 gratitudes.

Our rituals shift with us as our needs & desires change.

We shift, and so do our rituals. I don't always have the same ritual every day, but I do have some mixture of these habits every day...and that my friends helps me feel grounded in a world that sometimes doesn't.

What is your fav. ritual?? Leave a comment below, and share your inspiration with us all.

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Why Sisterhood Should Be Number a # 1 Priority on Your List

Photo by  Becca Tapert  on  Unsplash

Day 3 - Sisterhood is potent medicine ❤️

When I say “sisterhood” I don't only mean your blood-related sisters. I mean the connection we have to the other women in our lives -- our soul sisters.

My intention in 2018 was to cultivate a deeper sense of sisterhood. And I gotta tell you - that was the best gift I could've ever given my heart, because I deeply needed my sisterhood last year. To lean on. To heal. To cry. To be held. And to land in a space where I could be deeply seen, and acknowledged in a way that I've never before experienced.

There can be a lot of pain around our relationships to other women & the feminine within -- especially when we are living with walls around our hearts. Living from this armored space keeps any part of ourselves that we haven’t healed - out of reach — and the people that trigger these parts. I know this, because I've lived in threat mode constantly comparing myself and not trusting other women in my life.

This most likely stems from the mother wound. Our primary relationship and blueprint for the feminine is our mother. Our relationships with women has a lot to do with this core relationship with mom. Interested in healing this, and unpacking the mother wound? Check our my online workshop here.

It's a healing journey loves - but every single time I am met by one of my girlfriends with unconditional love, and safety -- I heal a wound so deep that the foundation of how I see myself and the world brightens. I don't know about you, but to me -- that is potent medicine. Share this post with your sisters, and let them know you love them + stand tall in their corner. 👯

You are worthy of being held, and nurtured.

Ps. I just launched my digital sisterhood & community - Nurture. To learn more and join, click here.

What Are You Ready to Call In?

New intentions open new doors of opportunity.

New intentions open new doors of opportunity.

Hey friends, I'm embarking on a #31daysofwellbeing adventure this month with @zurahealth to share with you the elements & layers that play into what it means to be WELL.

As you know, it's more than eating kale, and working out -- it's about your mental, emotional, financial and spiritual wellbeing as well. We're kicking it off with the word - intention - because IT really really matters.

Day 1 - Your Intentions Guide Your Direction

When we know what we stand for, and the intention behind our actions -- it makes taking action that much easier.

I remember in the beginning of this journey from repression to self-expression, facing all of my inner narratives of, "no body cares what you have to say..." "your words aren't valuable..." and to that I said, BS.

Instead of just challenging the beliefs, I took intentional actions that instilled a new narrative, "What I have to say matters." "My voice is valuable." and on, and on. Until that new narrative settles softly into all my cells. In neuroscience, we call this neuroplasticity — and basically it is your mind & brain’s ability to create new upgraded neural pathways that support your worthiness & expansion.

For me, when I doubt myself, or when someone doubts me I use that as fuel. And to be honest, at times, it is a great source of fuel for your rise. My intention always is to show up, and honor my heart / body / truth in a way that is kind, clear, and fierce. I hope the same for you.

Here is a visualization exercise to support you in tuning into your Truth, intentions, and what you are ready to say a WHOLE-hearted yes to this year.

In which area of your life do you doubt yourself the most? What aligned action could you take today to support your expansion of worthiness in the opposite direction. Leave a comment below or on my insta, and declare what intention you are moving towards this year!

Always in your corner,

Kylie

Ps. If you want a podcast to really drive this home, listen to this incredibly funny, real and raw podcast with Lauren Handel here.

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